Friday, May 9, 2014 Monday, May 5, 2014

A tiny European nation has decided that I am the next descendant of their God, so I get a lot of nice letters but they are grammatically all over the place.

It took me four months to replace a fire alarm battery because I have 10% of a death wish.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Thinking a lot about dead worms today.

I dropped the electric razor that I use to trim my beard on the floor and it stopped powering on. A few weeks later I thought I could fix it by dropping it on the floor a second time, but it just broke into smaller pieces. 

Tonight I will turn on the television and change positions on the couch based on how the Boston Bruins are playing, because I believe there is a causality there.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Analysis of naan baby

At work they assigned everyone a bar code. No explanation was provided. A lady came by and taped a bar code by everyone’s name plate, and later a guy came by and scanned these bar codes. It feels like that Milgram experiment where it turns out we will all electroshock each other to death if given the orders. Like one day I’ll be listed as a test subject in an article called “You can just make people robots, they do not even care.”

An old manager at work emailed us telling us that his wife had given birth to twins, and one of them has my name. I know that the baby is not named after me and that, if anything, I am an argument against naming your baby ‘Anthony,’ and now I am picturing myself full-grown bursting through the womb in a delivery room with everyone screaming.

I think I would like a job sticking bar codes onto things without comment.

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I have been going out with someone for nine months. I have only written about it here one time, in the context of discovering mice poop in my kitchen.

One night, we were walking on a path next to the Experimental Farm, and she asked me if I knew any constellations. I took her hand and traced the word ‘NO’ in the sky.  

This is not the truth. She asked me if I knew any constellations, and I said no. Then I thought about the thing about writing no in the sky, and thought about whether or not that was a smart thing to do, then I thought I could get away with it, and then I took her hand. She did not know that I wrote ‘NO’ because that is a really hard thing to read when it is traced in the sky, but I told her and she laughed.

And this is a bad story - what an asshole I am - but she is great.

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In November of 2012 after polishing off a few boxes of Halloween candy (and also after 23 years of similar eating habits), part of my body hurt after every meal. Anatomically-speaking this may very well have been my liver. I resolved to lose weight. I took an old elliptical and put it in the room that I use to iron clothes, and I would run facing a closed window for a half hour minimum every day, because I could not think of an approach that was more like what a psychopath would do. I don’t know. I ate less pizza too. I feel better, but there is nothing there to write about. 

Parenting advice for your child, a 9 lb mass of naan

Yesterday while lying on a couch I ate a crumb-like substance that I picked off of my shirt. It tasted hard and garlicky and not like any of my dinner.

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Your naan baby is delivered to you swaddled in an aluminium foil blanket.

Cradle it gently.

Bring it into your home.

Can you feel the warmth of naan baby?

Eat naan baby and share it amongst friends.

Put leftover naan baby in the fridge. You can eat it later, naan baby is still good cold.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

A shortlist of movie scenes that I want to reference all of the time but cannot

• Apocalypse Now where Martin Sheen is doing drunk kung fu/breaking mirrors/crying

Sometimes I google my thoughts to make sure they aren’t things I’ve already seen or heard or read.

I don’t know if I want coffee or if I am bored.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Red cross door to door fundraising ruined my nap and I don’t even know if I am allowed to complain about it?

Friday, March 21, 2014

I know I am an adult because I can have elevator-ride-length conversations about the weather.

Crows perch on trees and power lines. I see them in the mornings when I start my car - they strategically move around and squawk at each other. In the fall, I never raked my leaves because I am lazy and it was cold, and the crows know this, so now they lie in wait for the snow to melt. They will descend upon my (and only my) poorly maintained lawn in a frenzy of dark wings. I will have a front yard composed entirely of crows. Neighbors will come outside to do household errands and we will look at each other and I will say, “It was a cold winter, eh?” and they will agree and look for a reason to go back inside. 

The crows won’t leave, and over a period of weeks, where, voice raised over the crows, I’ll say to my neighbors “Some spring we’re having!” and “So much rain, right? Probably too much,” I will become convinced that the only way to get rid of the crows is through animal sacrifice.

The time for reasoning with the crows has passed. With the moonlight reflecting off my pale belly, and my toes sinking into cold earth, I will pluck the weakest looking crow from my lawn. At the crucial moment, across the street I will see a pudgy man, mustache and glasses standing in the center of a pentagram. He is wearing a collared shirt and is swinging a tiny lizard in the air. 

"Kind of breezy out tonight, you know?"

Thursday, March 6, 2014

I FEEL BELLIGERENT WITH ENERGY. I WANT TO KNOCK DOWN A BINDER FULL OF SOMEONE ELSE’S PAPERS AND WATCH THEM FLUTTER THROUGH THE AIR, even though fluttering papers seems silly in the context of my belligerence. PROBABLY I WOULD HAVE TO KNOCK DOWN THE BINDER and then PUNCH AT THE PAPERS AS THEY FLUTTER THROUGH THE AIR. WHIFFING AT PAGES WITH DUMB FISTS.

Brown on white, I saw a giant mass of shit on my way from the parking lot to an office building. Big enough to be the shit of a man.